I had a rather peculiar dream last night. It's one of those kind of dreams that you just can't ignore. It was about my grandpa. I don't recall the last time I dreamed about him (if ever). My grandpa, Anthon Edson Black, passed away from heart disease when I was a junior in high school. He was a funny man with very little hair and his index finger on his right hand was a stub because of an accident he had working at the floor mill in Blanding. I grew up in the house that he built with his first wife that was just down the road from that flour mill. He was the oldest of several brothers and sisters (I forget how many), and a very hard worker. All of his grandkids (there are many, because of blended families) knew him as a very kind man who liked to tease.:) Perhaps that's where I get my sarcastic spirit from.:)
Growing up, I never really had a great relationship with him. I don't why exactly. Honestly, from most of my family (extended cousins, and even sisters) I always felt like they looked at me like a misfit. Perhaps it's because I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, and the Black family never felt a good connection with my dad, and perhaps they looked at me as being just like him. I don't know for sure. No one has ever admitted it to me, but you know when there is an uneasy and awkward feeling because people don't dare say what they are thinking....
Anywho, perhaps that is a subject for another time. The point is that I've always felt like a misfit when it comes to "fitting in" with the norm of my family. And the dream I had last night was wonderful! I felt alot of love from my grandpa! In the dream I was driving a truck (my grandpa did that for a living, he was always on the road driving truck). He popped in somehow and we were driving together. He wanted to take me to Brigham City (where my oldest sister lives). But something came up, it didn't work out and he took my mom with him instead. When they got back they came to my house, my mom was talking alot and he asked me if I was planning to sell the house. I said "yes." And then he pointed to a map that was on the wall and my mom looked at it and said Valerie (my sister's name). She was pointing to the place where my nephew (Valerie's oldest) got married just last month, and then I woke up.
This dream struck me so! Almost like my grandpa was trying to tell me something. You see, I missed two major events in my family's life recently. Because my mom and I have been fighting and I didn't feel comfortable facing all them after what I've been through, and the misunderstandings we had between us. My nephew got married and I didn't make it to his reception. I wanted to, but my feelings for my mom got in the way. My other nephew (that lives in Brigham City) had a mission farewell that I didn't make it to. I really, really wanted to, but life has been so incredibly overwhelming lately that I just didn't get the energy or the gas money to make it there.
I had an incredible feeling of love come over me after I woke up from the dream and was thinking about it. My grandpa was telling me that he has always loved me very much, and that my mom got in the way of us having a good relationship. I don't mean to speak badly of my mom. I think she acted the best she knew how given her circumstances. I have wondered over the years, since his death, if my grandpa was watching out for me, and this dream confirmed it. I've had similar experiences with my step-brother (who was shot in a gang-related incident several years ago), and also an experience with the man who gave my mom a good job all the years I was growing up (who passed away about 6 years ago). I can't help but wonder if I have a special purpose here, and the loved ones that have gone on are here around me to help me with that purpose. Who knows, but all these experiences are hard to ignore and pass off as mere coincidences.:) Hmmmm.....
Inciteful! I love you.
ReplyDelete